I've been thinking.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
Fifty thousand tears I've cried.

I did everything I could for our relationship, and I could do nothing more. I'm not trying to kid myself by saying that this was my fault or something. Well, it might have been, I don't know. But the point is, there was nothing more I could do.

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(Going under)

I'm gonna be honest with you: I suffered a hell of a lot during the time we were dating. There was more good than bad, don't get me wrong, but there really was a lot of bad. I had the hardest time of my life last fall, and what did you do? Nothing but complain about your own problems. Of course they're important too, but you never opened your eyes to see that maybe I wasn't okay, either. Or you did open, but wasn't bothered to actually see.

Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once

I haven't been single for this long since... I don't know, but it's been forever. I'm not sure I know even how to be single. Now, wait, let me rephrase that. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive? Be alive? Something. But I guess it's time for me to grow up, alone apparently. Well, not alone. Just without you.

Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

Even though you didn't say it out loud at any point during all this time, you kept reminding me. Who knows, maybe you didn't mean it; but to me, you kept reminding me how damn agonizing I made your life. I, who loved you more than anything.

I'm dying again

Do you have any idea how much that hurt? All I did was try and help you. What did I get as a thank you? Well, not that I'd ever expect you to actually thank me.

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

You cheated on me, you lied to me, you talked shit about me behind my back. That was what I kept expecting, and that's the one thing in which you never let me down. I could always trust you to remind me how I was incomplete, unworthy, just a something that you liked to play with.

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not

Even after 20 months of holding hands, I'm still not really sure about any of the things that you said. I do believe that you at least thought you loved me. But what really is beyond my comprehension is that how you could do all that shit to me if you really did love.

Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

You kept me on a leash for such a long time. When we were apart, you honestly did treat me like crap, but when we were together... You were my whole world, and I do believe that you were happy, too. But what I'm worríed about now is, how am I supposed to recover?

I'm dying again

You were my first love. The one and only person that I can say that I've truly cared about more than anything else in this life. And I'm being completely honest here, not some über drama queen.

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

But hey. Bet mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry. Actually, they're not even crying anymore. That's the good part about living under the same roof as my mom, I've learned to block most feelings pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away

I've come to a conclusion. I'm just... Not going to give a shit anymore. You know, life really is a lot easier without love. I won't have to worry about what you or anyone else is doing on a Friday night if we're apart. I won't have to be paranoid every time that someone is out drinking or something.

I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

And you want to know the best part? You know, the part that really makes this all worth the while?

I'm dying again

If I don't give my heart out to anyone, nobody can break in. Nobody can stomp on it, nobody can grind it to pieces, nobody can rip it in half. Simple, isn't it? I mean, you have really proved that it's worth it. You were happier without me, you are now happier. And here's my first problem: It hurts. That's definitely going to have to be fixed.

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

Might take a while, but hey. I've got all the time in the world. All the time in the world to just sit back and not care. Look at all the fools in love and laugh at them, because I know a secret that they don't.

I'm going under
I'm going under
I'm going under...

I know that in the end, there's not going to be anything left for them. All they're going to have is a broken heart that hurts so much that they just want to kill themselves.

And I'll look at them and laugh, because from now on, I know to be careful.