I've been having these weird... moments lately. Well, those moments last for hours, but still. I'll try to describe as well as I can.

I can usually tell that these moments come when I start to feel cold. Then I can almost feel how happy thoughts are slipping away from me, one by one until there's nothing left. I'm left with all the unhappy and not-good thoughts and memories that I've ever had, and at last, all I can feel is the cold surrounding me, and the thoughts that feel like I'm about to implode. (I just realized that this sounds like it's straight from Harry Potter. Dementors, you know?) I start to cry, and it seems like someone just opened a faucet behind my eyes 'cause the liquid just doesn't seem to stop. I'm shaking uncontrollably and it's hard to breathe. I try to shut down my brain but it keeps on pushing all these thoughts, every single bad event in my life, every time I've screwed up, every single fucking time that someone's hurt me. I could take any number of pills, drink a bottle of vodka, cut myself, anything to make the pain go away. But it never helps a bit, except if I pop enough so that I'll pass out and wake up the next morning with my eyes and head hurting. A lot. And quite frankly, I'm sick of that.

These moments can take anything from 15 minutes to 5 hours. Tell you the truth? It sucks. Especially when I'm alone. Nowadays I'll do anything so I won't have to spend the evenings in my room, with nothing to do but to occupy my brain with thoughts. Anything.

I've been getting these episodes ever since... Hmm... Ever since school ended last spring. During the summer they only came about once a week. When school started, they started increasing in frequency. Now, I get them every day, and I'm lucky if I only get them once. When I'm in real bad shape, like I was last Saturday, I was like that for, what, 16 hours. The whole fucking day.

You get pretty sick of life when this is all you live for.